1.) To prevent blood borders, the drinking age in every State has to be 21, because that’s the only integer that is equal to itself.
2.) Drinking alcohol during pregnancy harms the baby, so we impose Prohibition on men under 21 and not on pregnant women 21 and older.
3.) A tipsy rape victim will be arrested for internal possession if she calls the police, who are there to protect and serve.
4.) We jail parents who are home supervising your drinking sessions in order to prevent you from holding such sessions.
5.) A new scientific study published in the New England Journal of Medicine conclusively establishes that the politicians you voted against have a right to impose this law on you.
6.) Statistical analysis of historical crash data proves that the United States of America ought not to be a free country, with liberty and justice for all, where the citizen decides what to drink, where parents govern their child who still lives in their house, where the punishment for drunk driving is meted out to the drunk drivers.
7.) Freeways are more important than freedom, — especially when its your freedom, not ours — so we sold your freedom to get more highway construction money from Congress, (like a mother selling her daughter for cocaine money,) and we still expect you to respect this law.
8.) The drinking age saves lives. Of course, we could save a lot more lives, maybe yours, by doing what it takes to eliminate drunk driving, but wed have to give up driving drunk ourselves, and thats not fair because we can drive better drunk than teenagers can sober.
9.) A combination of driving inexperience and alcohol make you a greater danger on the road, whether you drive or not, and that gives us the right to punish you when you drink alcohol, whether you drive or not.
10.) Don’t drive drunk? We can list some other crimes you never commit, as an excuse to deny liberty to you: murder, rape, assault...
11.) Everybody who drinks under age is immature and irresponsible because they’re doing something that is illegal, as well it should be, because they’re so immature and irresponsible.
12.) Liquor corporations have the nerve to advertise their products to you, and we have more respect for their First Amendment right to free speech than we have for your God-given right to drink the beverage of your choice.
13.) We can’t stop older drunks from freely exercising their right to practice alcoholism, because they hold too much political power, but some of them started as teenagers and never had a chance to quit since then, so we punish you instead.
14.) You shouldn’t destroy your brain while it is only 95 percent developed. You should wait until it is completely developed and then destroy it, like we did.
15.) Even though this law is imposed on you by morons who cannot see the obvious flaws in these absurd arguments, it is embellished with a fancy seal, and a Governor years ago scribbled his autograph on it, so you have a sacred duty to obey it.
Translated by Tom Alciere
Webmaster, Underage Drinkers Against Drunk Driving
We tried. We sought to protect you from the serious harm you could inflict on yourself by drinking alcohol. We sought to spare you from experiencing the wretched life of an alcoholic. We endeavoured to stop you from drinking yourself to death.
At every step, you were bound and determined to defeat our efforts, as if we were your enemy. You accused us of a hate crime.
We invested in the latest counterfeit-resistant technology for our official identification cards, and you kept up, with all the pride of an Underground Railroad worker forging documents to help fugitive slaves pass themselves off as free. You felt a sense of duty, as if you were a German Underground worker forging passports to help Jews escape from Hitler.
You traveled to a foreign country during Spring Break for the sole purpose of drinking alcohol where our police, — enemy officers you call them — could not touch you, and you cried victory.
You accused us of hypocrisy, preferring to impose second-class citizenship on you instead of saving more lives on the road by imposing tougher drunk driving measures on ourselves, but we knew it was true.
Call us naïve, even delusional, but we didnt expect the hostility you expressed. Many persons your age are okay with the our efforts, but not you. We forgot that each person is a different individual and a distinct transaction. We thought you accepted our reasons for infringing on your inherent natural right to drink the beverage of your choice. We thought you were exaggerating when you quoted Patrick Henry and Thomas Jefferson. We were in denial.
It wasnt so bad when you sent lawmakers postcards from abroad, with hateful messages. Most politicians are used to that.
You accused us of selling your freedom to Congress for highway money, asking if we would also sell our daughters to rapists for cocaine money. We routinely get such rhetoric.
What started to bother us was when you said you would not join the National Guard to protect our lives and property if we wouldnt even vote to protect your right to liberty. It pained us when you said, quite seriously, that you have resolved you will never render aid to an enemy officer in distress.
The last straw, — our wake-up call — was when you said, Senator, if you enjoy that warm feeling you get from protecting me, I invite you to pour gasoline all over yourself and light a match. You will get a warmer feeling, and the human race will be better off without you, and your use of gun-toting goons in bulletproof vests as weapons of unprovoked violence, trying to intimidate Mr. and Mrs. Twenty into abstaining from the beverage of their choice.
We give up. You win. Our limited resources will be better spent protecting other persons. Youd just drink yourself to death on your 21st birthday anyway, as so many persons have done. If we save your life, you will spend the rest of your life making us wish we hadnt.
Sign the attached form, and well give you an ID exempting you from the drinking age. If youre under 18, your parent must sign, too. The BAC limit is still 0.02% until youre 21, but we know thats okay with you, because you said you never drive after drinking. You insist you know what youre doing, so dont expect any leniency in court if you break the law.
Dont buy for anybody. Why arent they exempt, too? Maybe theyre over 18, but not as defiant as you, so why put yourself at risk for those timid Men, who prefer the Calm of Despotism to the boisterous Sea of Liberty of whom Jefferson spoke? Maybe theyre under 18 and their parents care about them. You can be sure they will press charges.
Except in State-run stores, we wont make anybody serve you, because you said this should be a free country. When you die, we wont tax innocent persons to pay for your burial, either. Well just find a medical school that will take your body off our hands for free.
Now you will have nobody to blame but yourself. We tried, but you adamantly asserted your rights.